Nothing on this planet is more selfish, careless or downright evil than a stranger. Am I right? Just think about one of those jerks right now. Who does he think he is? What’s her game, anyway? You’re getting angry now, right? Good.
As I was saying, strangers–the most selfish baskets of turd sandwiches in existence. What’s terrifying is that they live in every city on Earth. Even yours. In Dallas, for example, one such person wastes half of every green traffic light just sitting in front of it in their car. Maybe they’re putting on makeup. Maybe they’re texting. Maybe they’re shaving. Maybe they’re brainless.
In New York, I’ve heard that the most annoying of these jerks are the ones who will cut in front of one or more lanes of traffic just to make a left turn. Waiting a block to turn is for chumps.
This post is about Munich’s brand of jackassy stranger, complete with hilariously rage-inducing photos. The photos aren’t mine, but I’ll tell you where you can find the owner. I thought about photographing these people myself, but every time I try to imagine doing so, this happens in my head:
Selfish Douchebag: “Hey buddy, did you just take my picture?”
Me: (Laughing awkwardly) “Uh, yeah, sort of, I guess.”
Selfish Douchebag: “Why?
Me: “Because you’re being an ass, and I want people to see this on my blog.”
***
Anyway, let’s do this!
1. Person Who Leans on the Pole in the Subway Car
If you’ve ever seen one of the poles in a subway car before, then I don’t need to tell you how awe inspiring they are. For less raw material than it takes to make a car door, you can prevent 7-10 people from becoming human missiles during a train ride. Breathtaking.
Sometimes, though, you encounter a testament to human evolution like the person in the photo on the right. They see all of that tasty surface area and think to themselves “Finally! My entire back has been begging me all day for one of those!” And in their comfort, they never realize exactly how much chaos they’ve prepared to set in motion.
They will, though. All subway cars need to turn at some point, and when theirs finally does, 6-9 people won’t be holding onto anything.
2. Person Who Only Opens One Door of the Subway Car
For a calorie cost more or less equivalent to opening one’s eyes in the morning, you can double the size of the hole in that car, allowing untold numbers of people freedom from their BO prison on rails. If that realization just took your breath away, then you know how I feel. Exactly.
3. Person Who Stands on the Left Side of the Escalator
Very few places in your average developed city inspire hurrying more than underground metro stations. Even in a well-run city like Munich, they all fall on a continuum between two evils: Really, really boring (Feldmoching) and completely drenched in urine (Marienplatz). You want to spend the absolute minimum amount of time possible in those things, is what I’m saying.
Fortunately, you can look forward to the escalator–a time-saving marvel of the modern world. Imagine taking the stairs with the gift of super speed, and you’ve just had the same dream as the inventors of this godsend. Outstanding.
Then, you run into this turd basket. Everyone else is in the most politely organized single-file line you can imagine along the right side of the escalator. They’re making way for anyone who would rather walk their way to freedom from the metro’s bowels. This human blessing, however, is casually spaced out and standing right in the middle of the path they created.
I think the esoteric term for this kind of stranger is “tourist.”
4. Little Old Lady with Jacket and Bag
She’s older than the average fossil, smaller than the average toddler, and she’s somehow going to be in your way for the next 20 minutes of your walk.
She’s also completely immune to any attempt to get her out of your way. Because, you know. Old. If doing anything in this life causes dead kittens, then harassing little old ladies is one of them.
Being stuck behind one of these will very likely push your heart rate to the brink of time travel. But on the bright side, she’s adorable. So there’s that.